Long distance relationship questions: 80 questions to ask your partner

Questions for long distance couples, from easy daily check-ins to the big one: when do we close the distance? Sorted by mood, with tips on how to ask them.

By Caspar BaumeisterUpdated 13 October 20266 min read

In a long distance relationship, talking is not a nice extra. It is most of what you have. That is why the questions you ask matter: "How was your day?" gets you a summary, a good question gets you a story.

Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues showed in their well known 36 questions study (1997) that two people grow closer when they take turns answering questions that get a little more personal step by step. The idea works just as well for couples who already know each other: start light, go deeper, and answer your own questions too.

How to use these questions

• One or two per call is plenty. This is a conversation, not a questionnaire.
• Answer your own question too. Taking turns keeps it balanced.
• Ask "why?" at least once. The follow up is where the good stuff is.
• Guess first. Before your partner answers, guess what they will say. Being wrong is the fun part.

Everyday check-in questions

1. What was the best five minutes of your day?
2. What did you see today that you wanted to show me?
3. What's on your mind right now that you haven't told anyone yet?
4. What did you eat today, and would I have liked it?
5. Who made you laugh today?
6. What was the most annoying thing today, in one sentence?
7. If I had been with you today, where would we have gone after work?
8. What are you looking forward to this week?
9. How much energy do you have right now, from 1 to 10?
10. What do you need from me tonight: talking, distraction or just company on the call?

Questions about missing each other

1. When during a normal day do you miss me the most?
2. What do you miss most: the cuddles, our talks, or just having me close?
3. Which little habit of mine do you miss that you never expected to miss?
4. What helps you most on days when the distance feels heavy?
5. Is there a song, a smell or a place that makes you think of me?
6. What do you do when you miss me and I'm asleep?
7. When you miss me, do you prefer a voice message, a long text or a quick call?
8. What's the first thing you want to do when we see each other again?
9. What could I do from far away that would make you feel loved?
10. What's harder for you: saying goodbye at the station or the first evening alone afterwards?

Questions about your story

1. What did you think the very first time you saw me?
2. How nervous were you before our first date, honestly?
3. Which moment of our story would make the best movie scene?
4. When did you first think: this could get serious?
5. What did you tell your friends about me in the beginning?
6. Which of our inside jokes is your favorite?
7. What do you remember about our first goodbye?
8. Do you still keep a souvenir from our early days?
9. Which of our visits was your favorite so far, and why?
10. What would you tell the two of us from the first month?

Deep questions

1. What could you least live without in a relationship?
2. What do you need most from me on a bad day?
3. What scares you about relationships in general, and about ours?
4. When do you feel most loved by me?
5. How has our relationship changed you?
6. What do you find hard to say out loud, even to me?
7. What did your parents' relationship teach you, good or bad?
8. What would you like us to do better when we argue?
9. Is there a dream you have never said out loud?
10. What does home mean to you right now?

Fun and silly questions

1. Who of us would survive longer on a deserted island?
2. What's the most embarrassing thing that happened on one of our video calls?
3. Who of us would last longer on a couples reality show?
4. What's my most annoying habit on the phone?
5. If we were two animals, which ones would we be?
6. Which nickname for me do you secretly like best?
7. What would our couple name be?
8. Who sends the longer voice messages, and how long is too long?
9. Which famous couple from a movie or series are we most like?
10. What would you put in a care package for me right now?

Questions about your next visit

1. Would you rather spend our next visit in a city or somewhere quiet?
2. What's one thing we must do next time that we have never done?
3. Should we plan every hour or leave the weekend open?
4. What's your perfect first evening after we've been apart?
5. Which of my friends or family do you want to meet next time?
6. Fancy dinner or pizza on the couch?
7. What would make saying goodbye easier this time?
8. If we could meet halfway, where would that be?
9. Which trip with me is at the top of your bucket list?
10. What should become our tradition every time we see each other?

Questions about closing the distance

These are the big ones. Ask them on a calm evening, not in the last ten minutes before one of you falls asleep.

1. Where do you picture us living in five years?
2. What would you be willing to give up to live in the same city?
3. Who should move, and how do we decide that fairly?
4. What's a realistic timeline for us, and how does it feel to say it out loud?
5. What would you miss most about the place where you live now?
6. How do you imagine our first ordinary Tuesday together?
7. What worries you about living together after all this time apart?
8. How should we split costs once we live together?
9. Would you turn down a dream job if it meant staying long distance longer?
10. What has the distance taught us that we want to keep?

Questions to handle with care

Some topics are better for a calm moment: exes, jealousy, or the timeline for moving together. A few rules help. Ask when you both have time, listen to the full answer before you react, and remember that "I need to think about that" is a fine answer. If a topic keeps ending in a fight, a couples counselor can help you talk about it.