Couples Quiz

50 questions to ask before having kids, as a couple

Honest questions to talk through before you have a baby, organized around the parts of parenting that researchers say make or break a team.

By Updated 5 min read

A child changes a relationship more than almost anything else. In a study that followed newlywed couples for several years, Shapiro, Gottman and Carrère (2000) found that 67 percent of the mothers reported a drop in marital satisfaction after their first baby. The couples who stayed happier had something in common: they kept their fondness for each other and stayed aware of what was going on in each other's lives.

Psychologist Mark Feinberg describes coparenting with four parts: how much you agree on raising a child, how you divide the work, whether you support or undermine each other, and how you manage the family together. The questions below follow that structure, plus a section for the big decision itself and one for your own childhood.

These questions are conversation starters, not a test and not therapy. For medical questions about pregnancy or fertility, talk to a doctor.

The big decision

  1. Do you picture kids in our future, and how sure are you?
  2. How many kids feels right to you?
  3. When would be the right time, and what has to be true before then?
  4. What would we do if it doesn't happen easily?
  5. How open are you to adoption or fostering?
  6. What scares you most about becoming a parent?
  7. What are you most looking forward to?
  8. What would we lose as a couple, and how do we protect it?

Raising a child: do we agree?

  1. Gentle or strict: where do you stand, from 1 to 10?
  2. What should happen when a child breaks a rule?
  3. At what age should a child get a first smartphone?
  4. How much screen time is okay for a 7 year old?
  5. Should kids get money for good grades?
  6. How should pocket money work in our family?
  7. What role should religion or faith play?
  8. How much privacy should a 15 year old get?
  9. What do we do when a child wants to quit a hobby after two months?
  10. Which values matter most to you to pass on?

Splitting the work

  1. How should we split parental leave?
  2. Who gets up at night, and how do we decide?
  3. How should our jobs change, if at all?
  4. Could one of us stay home for a year? Would you want to?
  5. How do we split the housework once there is a baby?
  6. Who keeps track of appointments, daycare and school?
  7. How do we handle money if one income drops?
  8. What should we save for before a baby arrives?
  9. How much outside help from grandparents, babysitters or daycare feels right?
  10. How do we make sure the mental load doesn't land on one person?

Backing each other up

  1. If we disagree on a rule, do we still back each other up in front of the kids?
  2. How do we argue when the kids are around?
  3. What do you need from me when you are exhausted?
  4. How will we notice that one of us is close to burning out?
  5. How do we keep time for the two of us, and how often?
  6. How do we decide when we really disagree?
  7. What would you never want me to say about you in front of our child?
  8. How do we apologize to our kids when we lose our temper?

Family and the outside world

  1. How involved should our parents be?
  2. Where do we want to raise kids: city, small town, countryside or abroad?
  3. Would you move closer to family to get help?
  4. How do we handle advice we didn't ask for?
  5. How do we split holidays between both families?
  6. Which friends do we want around our kids?
  7. What do we do if our families disagree with how we parent?

Your own childhood

  1. What from your own upbringing do you want to keep?
  2. Which rule from your childhood would you never repeat?
  3. How did your parents handle arguments in front of you?
  4. How strict were the rules about sweets and screens when you grew up?
  5. What happened when you broke a rule as a kid?
  6. Which family tradition would you love to start with me?
  7. What do you wish your parents had done differently?

How to have this conversation

If you discover that you disagree on the big question, whether you want kids at all, take it seriously and give it time. A couples counselor can help you talk about it without it turning into a fight.

Frequently asked questions

What should couples discuss before having a baby?

Whether and when you want kids, how you want to raise them, how you will split leave, night shifts, money and chores, how you will support each other when you are exhausted, and how involved your families should be.

When should we talk about having kids?

Earlier than most couples think. The first conversation can happen as soon as the relationship feels serious. Then come back to it, because answers change with time.

What if one of us wants kids and the other doesn't?

That is one of the few disagreements without an easy middle ground. Take it seriously, talk about it more than once and give each other time. A couples counselor can help you have the conversation without it turning into a fight.

Are these questions useful if we already have kids?

Yes. Most of them, especially the ones about splitting the work and backing each other up, are just as useful with a toddler at home.

Sources

  • Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M. and Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology 14(1).
  • Feinberg, M. E. (2003). The internal structure and ecological context of coparenting: a framework for research and intervention. Parenting: Science and Practice 3(2).
  • American Academy of Pediatrics: Family Media Plan.